OT: (fwd) HUMOR: Wanna be Navy?

[mitchoates@Prodigy.Net]

     This is so good and close to the truth that I had to pass it on. 
This will give you an idea why they let us retire after 20 years.

                                                     Mitch Oates


Subject:        	FW: (fwd) HUMOR: Wanna be Navy?
Date sent:      	Thu, 30 Mar 2000 07:29:01 -0600

This is so scary it will ruin any wistful dreams of the good ol glory days.
(but accurate.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Dale D Glubrecht [mailto:daleg@ipass.net]
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2000 8:15 AM
To: 'dglubrecht@peimail.com'
Subject: FW: (fwd) HUMOR: Wanna be Navy?




How To Simulate Life In The Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside
of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then
pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you
can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered,
then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up
to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10
degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family
that they used too much water during the week, so all showering
is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 am, and blow
a whistle so loud.

that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all
hands heave to and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard
at 6 am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours,
and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA
division at X-3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok
for you to leave your house before 3 pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months.
After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your
friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't
leave until the next day. You have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every
10 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway
3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (No sweepers
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweepdown fore
and aft, empty all shitcans in receptacle provided for on the
fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow
each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch
CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played
in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie
to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
"world travel".

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get
promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the
dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is
under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.
("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
stations.")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without
checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that
you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for
at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them
that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs.

Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so
they just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in
the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating
at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then
tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take
them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the
6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been
canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for
Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week
before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of
your >not-so-closest friend (cite para.12) regardless of gender,
suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours
after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in
your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking
chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your
living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his
complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a
paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your
neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock-wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the
garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump
up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up
the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get
under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and
back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time
you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man
overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all
the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids
for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in
front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove
manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say
again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your
headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.



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